A letter to Charlotte

Dear Charlotte,

Today is your first 29th of February. Also marks the day you turn 10 months old. The next time we spend 29th of February together, you might already be in kindergarten.

How time flies! You'll be turning 1 soon in a couple of months. As much as I would love to freeze time so that you'll stay forever chubby and cute and helpless (so that I can do whatever I want to you, for example, planting kisses to your chubby cheeks), I am also looking forward to see you grow and hit those little milestones.

I want you to know that mothering you has bring me so much joy and also lead me to a lot of self-discovery. Besides getting to know more about you, I also get to learn more about myself.

I now know that,
as a mother, I am capable of lovingly selflessly.
As a mother, I am capable of being strong and independent.
As a mother, I am capable of fighting against others just to protect you.
As a mother, I am capable of staying awake all night just to stare at you as you sleep cause spending the whole day with you just wasn't enough.

Sounds creepy? lol.

As a mother, I found the simplest joy by just hearing you calling mammmmma.
As a mother, I can withstand close to 9kg of weight on me every single day and don't feel tired at all.
As a mother, I don't mind to spend on good food to feed you while I chomp down breads and paos every day.
As a mother, I am proud to call you mine.

Thank you so so much for bringing out the best in me. A side of me that I never knew I am capable of.

I love you, my baby. And I promise I will always do.




Love,
Mom

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Plan B?

Hello everyone! Gong Hei Fatt Choy! How's everyone's CNY so far? Got Ong Ong Huat Huat not? 

It's Charlotte's first CNY and she has received a lot of blessings (read: ang paos lol). Keep them coming in lol. Mama's saving for her College/ Uni tuition fees.

I've been thinking about this one question lately and it's bothering me. They say it's a typical CNY must ask question but so far no one has ask me this yet but I can't help asking myself.

Do I want a second child?

I have 2 step brothers and they are 6 and 8 years younger than me. We didn't really share much sibling love when we were younger until we started to venture into adulthood. I wouldn't say that we're close now but at least we have each other in mind.

So even though growing up with them, I was most of the time a lone ranger. I often wonder what it's like to have a sibling that I can have pillow talks with. I'm close to my elder cousins but it's just not the same.

My husband has 3 other siblings. Even though there are conflicts every now and then, they still stand by each other.

As Charlotte is turning one soon (nuuuuuuuuuu 😭😭😭), I find myself in a dilemma. I'm not sure if we should start project Plan B after she hits One (also because, erm, I plan to sau gong before I turn the big 3 O).

I love Charlotte a lot. The thought of having another one is mainly and plainly FOR her. As her permanent playmate growing up together, as her secret keeper and betrayer lolll, as her dress thief, as her companion when daddy and mommy are not capable anymore, and as her best friend.

So do I want a second child? I guess I just shouted a loud and big Y E S.

What's holding me back? You ask.

*kaching* yupe. The devil of all devils. Money.

I'm Charlotte's sole care taker but I'm not a Stay- At- Home- Mom. I still provide tutoring service carrying her with me. I baby- wear her as I teach. I can forsee myself doing that until she starts to go to school. So if I'm gonna have a bumb, how can I be able to wear her around my waist or back all the time? And after the second one pops out, will I still be able or even allowed to carry both of them with me to work?

Why not just be a SAHM and let the husband bring the bacon home?

Oh, trust me, I would love to, really! That's my mom- ambition. Unfortunately, with both of us working, we are still trying to make ends meets. I'm not sure how we can even manage if I don't work for the next 3 to 4 years.

Why not hire a babysitter?

Let's say I find a job as a full time teacher. With my experience, I could get maybe rm3k? I spend most of my time working and only little time with my children. At the end of the month, I got rm3k. Half goes to the babysitter. A quarter goes to paying bills. Left with one more quarter. What's the point then? I'm in the losing situation!

I personally think that, companionship is very important during a child's younger years. I want my child/ children to have enough of that cause I didn't have that privilege. 

So what if Charlotte remains as an only child? Will guilt hits me later? Will she blame me for all the loneliness she has to face herself as she gets older? I'm sure she won't share with me who she has a crush on or tell me her boyfriend's secrets.

I tried to think on the bright side if I'm not gonna carry on with Plan B. Like, I can continue to work and start to save up to travel to more places with her. Japan, Europe, Australia, Japan, Japan, Japan… lol.

If you're an only child, have you ever thought of having another sibling? Or do you enjoy being an only child? Share with me!

I really don't mind having 2 Charlottes lol.

Lololollll.

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