The Cube Test

So I saw this video today on Facebook and it's going a lil viral on my Facebook feed as I type. It's about a Japanese psychological game that is meant to reveal aspects of your personality you may not have other wise known yourself. It sounded interesting and I played along. Imma tell you my answers as well.

Imagine you're walking through a dessert and you see a cube.

How big is the cube?
- About the size of my own master bedroom.

What material is the cube made out of?
- See through glass with cushion on the floor.

How far is the cube from the ground?
- It's on the ground.

Somewhere near the cube, imagine a ladder.
Where is it in relation to the cube?
- Next to the entrance of the cube (if there's one) and leaning against the wall.

And what is the ladder made out of?
- Solid wood.

Picture a horse next to the cube and ladder.
Is it wearing anything? (Rein, saddle?)
- Nope.

And what is the horse doing?
- Standing there waiting for me.

Now imagine flowers in the scene. 
How many are there?
- A lot. Everywhere surrounding the cube.

And how far are they away from the cube?
- Just a few feet away.

Now, there's a storm starting.
How close is it to the cube, horse and flower?
- It's quite far away. If the cube is in Serdang, the storm is at KLCC.

And are you scared of it?
- Nope. I enjoy stormy days. With rain. Good to sleep.

Remember all that? Good.

• The size of the cube is the size of your ego.
• The transparency of the cube shows how open you are with people.
• And the closer it is to the ground, the more grounded you are.
• The distance between the ladder and the cube shows how close you are to your friends.
• If the ladder is leaning against the cube it means that your friends can lean on you for support.
• And the sturdier the material, the stronger your bonds to people.
• The horse being tied up or saddled means you like more control in your relationship.
• And the wilder the horse, the wilder you like your relationship.
•  The more flowers you pictured, the more kids you want. (!!!!!!!!!!!!)
• And the closer they are to the cube, the more you're thinking about kids.
• The storm represents stress. The closer and more threatening it is, the more stressed you currently are. 

Was this test accurate?

My thoughts:

I'm not sure if this test is accurate. Especially the part about flowers. I would really really love to be a mother of (at least) 2. But given our current finance situation, it might not happen any time soon. Or worse, ever. I love stormy (and rainy) days. Does this means that I am still stressed over something but not stressed enough to threaten myself? I do find myself a lil laid back. The more stressed I am the more easy I go on myself hahahaha.

I guess it is somehow accurate.

I had funny playing this game. What's your result? Was it accurate to you?

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Separation anxiety attacked!

Alert: Lengthy and emotional post ahead. Read at your own risk wtf.

A few weeks ago, my neighbor approached me and told me that her friend is starting up a daycare cum tuition center and asked if I'm keen to join. The catch is, I am allowed to bring Charlotte along.

I've always been open minded about job opportunities. So she passed my contact to her friend after seeking for my permission. Her friend, J, called me the next day and we set up a meeting to further discuss about the details.

The center was new. It has started running for about a week only and has 8 students so far. Since it's a start up, there is no specific job scope for me besides teaching as they would like me to help out as and when I'm needed. Working hours is from 8am to 6pm. While I'm teaching, Charlotte will be taken care by her maid, who's also gonna look after her 4 year old son.

While our discussion was on going, Charlotte was actually in another room with the maid. I could hear her laughing away while playing with the maid. So J said something along the line like, looks like Charlotte is coping well so you don't have to be worried.

After that, I went home and spent about a week to think about the offer.

I know it's a good opportunity but I'm not so sure about having to work 10 hours a day. Maybe I was spoil with the flexibility I have working as a private tutor. And the pay they offered was almost as same as what I'm earning now albeit not steady. If you would like to know, I work an average of 4 hours a day. Working as a private tutor can earn handsomely but there's no guarantee that I'll get the same payment every month. I think I shall leave this for another post on another day.

Also, if I were to start working there, it means that I'll have to start Charlotte's bedtime routine as soon as I reach home so that she could have enough sleep as she sleeps 10 hours straight at night. In another words, the husband might not be able to spend time with her.

So after considering all these, I turned the offer down. I was telling myself that it's OK to wait for a couple more years. I wanna watch Charlotte grow and accompany her as much as I can cause she needs me now! But my heart was struggling. We have bills to pay but only 4 digits left in our accounts.

Picture is not related but thought you might wanna take a break from reading wtf.

Then, another job offer came in. This time, it's a totally different field doing something I've never done before. And this might be the only chance I have to work in a big corporate company. The pay sounds promising, slightly higher than what J offered. Since I've never work in a corporate before, the perks and benefits that come along sound waaaaayyyy attractive to me.

But, I cannot bring Charlotte along with me.

I contemplated reeeeaaaaaalllly hard. I even cried for a few days before going for the interview hahaha. Cause I was told that if I say yes, it's a 100% chance. Not sure how true it is yet cause I've not sign the offer letter, but that statement itself is enough to make realize that I'm gonna be separated from Charlotte the whole day! We've never really been apart since she's 5 months old. Even before that, the most we've been away from each other was 4 hours max. We've been inseparable 24seven for one whole year. Soon, I fall into this swirl of great sadness. I was broken-hearted and cried like I was being dumped, but worse.

One day I broke down and cried again all of a sudden. Charlotte looked at me, not sure what's happening. She looked at me like a concerned child. I was trying very hard to hold myself together but I couldn't. Then, she reach out her little finger gingerly to touch my tears. It's as if she was wiping them away for me (though I think she just wanna touch it haha) and then I wept even harder fml.

Thoughts and questions ran wild in my head.

Who's gonna take care of her?
Will her new caretaker read her cues well?
How will Charlotte cope without the boobs?
Could the caretaker know how to take care of him and fix things like I did?
Will the caretaker feed her well?
Will the caretaker give up easily when she wails during meal time?
What if Charlotte slims down and loses her chubbiness that everybody loves?
Will the caretaker forget to give her water to drink?
Will the caretaker give her sugary food to eat?
Will the caretaker just leave her in front of the TV the whole day?
Will Charlotte be mad at me?
Will Charlotte not love me anymore!?!?!?
But I need this job cause we're now struggling to make ends meet, hoooooowwww!?

So I gave J a call back to ask if her offer still stands. If so, I would like to join her team. It's about time I get a permanent job or else I'll keep constantly falling back into the loop of sadness when money is running out. Though J's offer was a startup offer, at least I still get to see Charlotte at work.

I'm not sure if it's destiny or what, but J told me that her maid will be leaving and has confirmed that she won't be returning. And I need to perform at work. She's doubtful that I'll pay enough attention to my students if Charlotte's gonna stay with me.

I died, literally. I broke down again, thinking why must this happened to me.

Then it hit me, I have separation anxiety!

I know new parents will have separation anxiety but mine seems severe. I cried for days!

After calming down, I tried to figure out why. Why am I feeling so anxious towards this separation? Why is my attachment to my daughter so strong? Also, why am I so vulnerable after becoming a mother? I used to be tough!

And then I realized, it's because I'm reliving my childhood through Charlotte. I'm trying to give her what I didn't have (or have enough) growing up. So every time she laughs happily because of something I do for her, it feels fulfilling. Like I've filled up an empty space that's buried deep down somewhere.  It also feels like my younger self is getting back the attention and love she longed for. So leaving her is like leaving myself behind! I remember how lonely it was growing up and I do not want Charlotte to feel the same way. I was consumed by my own guilt just thinking about it!

People often don't understand why I cry so much when I talk about my childhood. My husband thinks he had it worse and that I'm way much luckier than him.

Everyone has a wound that scars differently. My scar may be small, but it wounded deep.

Now that I know where my problem lies, I'm gonna do something about it. I'm not sure what yet, but hopefully I'll get over this before starting my new job. Yupe, I went for the interview and am now waiting for the offer letter. It was the hardest Yes I've ever said.

Hopefully later, I'll be able to write about how I finally deal and settle this anxiety of mine.

As of now, I'm gonna glue myself to Charlotte and plant as many kisses as I can while I can.

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Celebrate the first, but pay attention to the last.

(image from Fowl Language Comics)

That's me, literally, every time Charlotte achieves a new milestone lol.

She's almost walking now as she could now walk along our King size bed from one end to another and en route back by holding on to the side of it. I'm not sure if I'm ready for her to walk around freely without holding on to me cause I'm just  not ready to let her go (cue tears).

It's been amazing to see her grow everyday. Sometimes I really think that not being able to work as a full timer is a blessing in disguised. I witnessed her slowly sitting up straight without support, I saw her flipped from her back to her tummy for the first time, I remember her first clumsy crawl on all fours.

At the age of ONE, she can now clap her hands to her favorite song, points at something and babble undecodable (is the such word?) baby language, struggles and gets upset when we take her things away or stop her from doing something. Sometimes it's just too funny to watch but at the same time, we realized that she's becoming her own person with her own personality. She's not the baby that we can simply do whatever we want with her anymore (rub her cheeks without her pushing our hands away, plant kisses on her without her trying to turn her head away, take her things away without her screaming her lungs out, etc.).

A few days ago, I turned into this emotional bitch feeling so crap.




Something like this. Though not as cute as this puppy, close enough.

If Charlotte's gonna be an only child, means everything that she's doing and might not do anymore will be the last for me to experience. And that feeling just sucks SO. BIG. TIME.

Like, I won't have another baby to nurse again. Or my breastfeeding journey might end soon. Or I won't have another baby to cry for me and need me anymore when Charlotte is big enough and wants her personal space.

I fall into this big sad emotional swirl. I don't know why it's so hard for me.

Until one day, I came across this phrase,

Celebrate the first, and pay attention to the last.

And then it hit me. Instead of feeling sorry, I should pay attention to every little thing she's doing right now. I should appreciate every little thing that I can do for her before she's big enough to do it herself!

Like taking baths for her, or comb and tie her hair, or dress her up, or (force)feed her...

One day, I won't be doing them anymore. She won't need me to do them anymore. One day, at least it's not today.

It's hard, honestly, to not feel sad. DO ALL MOTHERS FEEL THE SAME!?

But I will try to feel proud and let "proud" over-power the sadness I sink myself into everyday.

So here's a, erm, proud video of Charlotte climbing up the boxes to get to the laptop on the table. I don't know how she learn that but I certainly never taught her so.

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A Car Accident

Often times I wonder if things are really meant to be.

Yesterday morning, I left home earlier than usual cause I wanted to reach my work place earlier so that Charlotte can take her nap in the carrier. Usually I let her take her first nap at home so she could sleep on her own bed. But my first class starts at 2.30pm and she was not asleep by 1pm. So ok, off we left home at 1.15pm.

Since I was not in a rush, I took the Jalan Sungei Besi. Usually I'd take the Smart Tunnel when I'm in a rush (if Charlotte wakes up after 2pm from her nap). When I passed by the junction turning into the Smart Tunnel, something didn't felt quite right to me but I brushed it off. It could be just my sixth sense playing with me, I thought.

Then, this happened.

Though I was not in a rush, I was trying to get to my work place as soon as possible so that Charlotte can nap soon. I was in the middle lane. I saw the 4WD at least a car's distance behind on the fast lane. I signaled and slowly changed lane. This still happened.

According to the law, it's my fault. No matter how cautious I am with putting on the signals and everything, if I membelok ke kiri atau kanan dan menyebabkan kemalangan, it's my fault. Unless the car hits the back of my vehicle, then it's the other car's fault because that driver tidak dapat mengawal laju kenderaan dan menyebabkan kemalangan.

Lesson learnt.

Like what my dad said, sometimes things like that happened cause no matter how careful you are, others might not be that careful.

I'm just glad that Charlotte and I are fine. If it was banged on the left side, where Charlotte was seated (in her car seat), I'll be forever consumed by my own guilt. She was frightened after the accident, of course. But she's now fine and has gone back to her own cheerful self.

Amazingly after this whole incident, this particular bible verse came to me.

Oh give thanks to the Lord, for he is good; for his steadfast love endures forever!
Psalm 118:1 

So I'm gonna count my blessings one by one.

1. I'm thankful for zero injuries on Charlotte and I.
2. I'm thankful for the immediate help I got from my husband and his friend, Kalvin.
3. I'm thankful for car insurance.
4. I'm thankful for a smooth process while making the police report.
5. I'm thankful for a friendly sargent, who was also the first and only 2 to greet me Happy Tacher's Day (and made me teared a little).
6. I'm thankful for understanding parents, who also gave me words of encouragement telling me how not easy it is to take care of the little one by myself, resulted in me sobbing non stop while waiting for the husband to arrive haha.
7. I'm thankful that I still have a job. Though this month's income is literally cut by half (first week was absent from work because of HFMD, and now car-less), I still have a job.
8. I'm thankful just to be able to be a mother for another day, really.
9. I'm thankful for the kari ikan (the tail part) my husband got me for dinner. He said 撞咗车尾，所以要补返個尾 hahahahahaha.

So, be careful on the road. I hope this will never happen to anyone , especially if you have a little one with you.

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Charlotte's 1st Birthday Party

As many other proud parents out there, I wanted to do something for Charlotte when she turns ONE. I was contemplating between having a photo shoot or throwing a party. I've made a lot of calls and sent a lot of emails and text messages on Facebook. I've never done so many surveys to make a decision cause I'm usually the happy-go-lucky type. As much as I wanted to have a photo shoot, I also wanted to have a celebration to thank the people around us who helped us along the way.

In the end, I bought a second hand 50mm nikkor lens from Carousell and threw a party.

 We decided to have our celebration at Wichday Cafe . I've been there once about 2 years ago when my niece celebrated her first birthday. It was a simple one without dessert bar and decorations. And it was cheap. It was RM35 per pax back then.

So I called the owner, Yean. Unsurprisingly, it's not that rate anymore lol. We chatted through WhatsApp and she would show me pictures of her art work she had done for the parties held there before. I was quite impressed, actually.

So I gave her the theme I want - pastel colours and flowers. She tried asking me if Charlotte likes any cartoon characters but the fact is I don't really let her watch the television #asianmom. But I know what I like lolol so pastel colours and florals it is!

So after paying the deposit, basically there's nothing else I need to do. I wanted to prepare some wish cards for guest to write for Charlotte. I had the template and the cards ready but my printer was out! I told Yean about it and she offered to print them for me. So gam dong can!

So ya, there's really nothing else for me to do, except for following up with my guests' attendance and door gifts. And prepare Charlotte's birthday outfit. And order a customized cake lol.

Then came the day!


Took a picture of our little family before we left the house.


She napped in the carrier on our way there #somuchwin


What greeted us at the main entrance! Photo credits to my bff Carly cause I erm dashed in to eat before other guests arrive lololol.


Some other decos.


The dessert table! So pretty ❤  ❤  ❤  We can actually take back EVERYTHING on the table. So the kids happily took all the kitkats and cupcakes and water bottles and marshmallows.


The chalkboard chart! It was one of my requests. Though there are a few grammar errors oops.


The door gifts I prepared.


This was taken by my sister-in-law. I wrote every single thankQ note myself. I wrote a few versions, actually. Some I wrote something like this,

Hello!
It's not about Charlotte actually. It's about us surviving the first year of parenthood.
Nah, we're just kidding.
Or maybe not :P
Anyway, hope you enjoyed the party!

I'm not sure who took those cause so far nobody has taken any picture of them and comment about it hahaha.


The wish cards! They're gonna be capsuled in a box for Charlotte to open when she turns 18 :)


Last but not least, the customized cake I ordered from The Cakescape .


I love the golden cake topper. I've kept it for Charlotte, too.


Here's a picture of the princess of the day! Got the dress from a pop up store at Publika. Headband was from BBclips on Instagram.

Most photos were taken with our mobile phone cause the stupid mama brain forgot to charge the battery of my DSLR the day before fml.

What's missing, you ask?

THE FOOD TABLE! NO ONE TOOK ANY PICTURE OF THE FOOD TABLE!!!

But just in case anybody wants to know, we had 11 dishes. I'm pretty sure everyone was well fed cause there were extras left for us to bring home. I must say, the curry chicken is really really yummy.

The minimum headcount is 30 pax. Yean said the cafe can fit maximum 60 pax. I had 45 guests and I think it's already very crowded. There're not enough tables though there are plenty of chairs. Some of my guests left early because they saw people coming in but there's like "not enough space". So in my opinion, 40 is a comfortable maximum number.


We had a great time and we're glad that our guest enjoyed themselves, too. The husband said that the party was better than what he expected in every aspect. So if you'd like to have a small party for any occasion, I'd recommend Wichday Cafe.

Below are some of the details just in case you're interested. You're welcome.

Wichday Cafe
195, Jalan Sarjana, Taman Connaught
Cheras, Kuala Lumpur
0122149061 (Business hour only)
http://www.facebook.com/WichDay

The Cakescape
Ginnie @ 017-645 6759.
http://www.facebook.com/thecakescape/

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