Night Owl turns to a Morning Bird

 So, I've been staying at my dad's house for 4 days now and believe it or not, I've not seen my brothers! I saw Wei on the first night we moved back cause he was home on a Sunday night. But that was it. And I didn't even get to see Ting at all! How bizarre!? I heard his voice though as I'm a light sleeper and I wake up every time I hear something so I'm pretty sure he's still staying here haha. I mean, he has to stay here cause Sally, his girlfriend, is staying here! 

Reason why we don't get to see each other is because the kids and I sleep early. Like, 8:30pm early. And he only reaches home after that.

Maybe I'll bump into him on Friday?

If you're questioning why I sleep early, well, I wake up at 3:30am to start working. And the kids wake up at 6:30am to get ready for school. So yeah, we go to bed at 8:30pm. Surprise surprise.

Don't think I will believe myself if I tell this to the 16 year old me. I thought I am a true night owl. But now I'm a morning bird. I do become a night owl once in awhile, especially if it's a public holiday the next day. I deserve some good rest some days.

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Moving back into my old room + reno update

Brought the kids back since last night to stay at my dad's place as the flooring renovation started today. 

I was having a lot of feelings. Coming back to my once favorite hiding place that is no longer mine. The room is vacant but it still doesn't feel like I "claimed" it back as I move back in. The things left behind are mostly belong to the previous lady who stayed. 

Anyway, it was a tough first night. The room was still very bright even after the lights were off because the curtains doesn't block out lights. The kids were not used staying in a new environment. And all I could think off is how much time I have left to sleep before I need to wake up to start working wtf.

Everyone's exhausted today so let's hope for a good night sleep tonight. The husband will be staying over, too, cause he said that our place is too dusty after the hacking today.

Quite heartache when the husband sent me this image. I'm not sure how the new floor will look like. But I'm not really looking forward, to be honest. The tiles that I really like is too expensive. The one that we finally purchased was, well, a compromised one.

Aaa, what's done is done. Let's just hope for the best 🤞

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Why is renovating so stressful?

It's so hard to find a good contractor to fix the floor. 

The initial one I engaged has an attitude problem. Now I'm not even sure if he is coming next Monday to start work. 

So instead of waiting for him and taking in all his shitty attitude, I have started contacting other contractors for quotation. The more I ask the sadder I become because their solution and recommendations are quite different from each other. They left me at, "Erm... ok... so what should I do?". But nothing beats knowing that I need to remove the wall panel moulding which I absolutely love 😭 One of them who came to give quotation today said that he can find another contractor to redo the panel moulding for me but this just means that it will cost me even more 😭😭😭

This is the time I wished money grows on tree. Or fall from the sky. Sigh.

I stumbled upon this site few days ago. It has flooring and wall panel moulding and their workmanship looks so pretty. I bet it will cost a bomb! But I decided to reach out to them yesterday. I left some WhatsApp text messages after working hours so I'm still waiting for them to reply. 

Wish me luck!

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I survived without my mobile phone

Today, I left my phone at home the whole day. 

It's not unusual haha. But as I rely on my phone quite a lot for work purpose, it does get quite uneasy throughout the day. 

But I survived! Just need to catch up with all the messages and emails that came in. Also survived free time by doing readings on my kindle. 

I remember when I was younger and bought myself my first phone (which was a Nokia 3330!), I was so attached to it. All the text messaging till late night, playing Snake, modifying keyboard lights, customizing ringtones. It wasn't as advanced as what we're having now but it was so much fun.

Even though it's an essential now to have a mobile phone, I find myself not as attach to it as I used to. To be more specific, my phone is on mute most of the time, if not all. I don't really like picking up calls and I wouldn't reply messages immediately. However, I still find joy in getting entertained (read: social medias and Netflix lol).

ANYWAY!

I survived without the phone today. Small wins in life hehe.

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What's comin' will come (bye bye money)

I've been putting this aside for far too long. But today, Charlotte, engrossed to the screen in front of her, has forgotten all the nagging and reminder to not step on that specific area, sat on it.

"Craaaacccckkkkkkk~"

I stared at her while she looked back at me blindly. Then slowly turn her head and shifted her sight back to the somewhat broken TV screen.

No point nagging or scolding anymore. Called the tile contractor and hopefully can get him start working on it next week.

Bye bye money. Bye bye my beautiful epoxy flooring. I will miss you dearly. Unless the decision to fix tiles instead of doing another layer of epoxy is the right one. Other wise, so long.

My current 自欺欺人 view. Cracked floor is underneath the mat. 

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Outsider

I feel like I don't matter to people who matter a lot to me.

It wasn't the first time I wasn't invited to a family dinner. It wasn't the first time my family and I were excluded in a joyous celebration. Yet it hurts so bad. Like, so so bad.

I can never get used to it. I mean, how can one ever get used to being... abandoned?

One might say that, oh, it's a fine dining place and there's no suitable food for kids. 

But if they truly care about me, about us, they make an effort, not an excuse.

I've been trying so so hard to find a reasonable explanation but I couldn't. And the more I try, the more heartache I feel. Why am I the one trying to justify the things the did?

They say that kids with grandparents are blessed. I was blessed. I remember vividly how my grandparents loved and spoiled me. Unfortunately, my kids do not have that luxury. Whenever I go home, the only one who's mostly home all the time can be found glued to the TV. The others? Sigh. No one anticipates us. Really. Typing this makes me realized how pathetic it is. I am trying to fight back but my tears just keeps rolling down uncontrollably. And my heart feels like it was stabbed a thousand times. 

But no one understands. No one. 

The disappointment. The anger. The wave of overwhelming negative and toxic emotions. 

But I'm a fighter. I'm a capable and independent individual. 

I acknowledge that I'm sad and hurt. I cry, and then move on while the wound is still open and bleeding. 

It's ok. I will be ok. 

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