OMG I'm Pregnant Again + Mother Guilt

I remember when Charlotte was almost 1 year old, I started to think of having another child. And my intention is purely and mainly for the good interest of Charlotte.

I wrote about it here.

I must admit that this feeling just gets stronger as day goes by. And every time when I know that we're not in any way gonna hit the jackpot (sorry a bit tmi) because of our financial issue, I'd get reaaaallllllyyyyyy upset. I would cry silently when the lights went off and he wouldn't know. Even if the husband sensed some sniffing, he would thought it's about something else. Like, hormones.

Then in January, I decided that it's now or never. Cause, erm, I wanna close shop latest at 30 lolol.

One week before Valentine's Day, I discovered this.

I still remember vividly that it was a Saturday afternoon. I was home alone with Charlotte. And when the second line appeared, I was emotional. I'm not sure if I was happy, honestly, but I was emotional and fearful. It dawned on to me that Charlotte will soon not be my only child. I started to cry in the toilet, while Charlotte was at the other side of the toilet door, waiting patiently for me. She kept calling for me. I calmed myself down and stepped out the toilet with teary eyes.

She smiled as soon as she saw me. I held her little hand, knelled down so I could look into her eyes. And then I gave her a big and tight hug, and continued to cry. Of course she didn't know what happened. She kept pushing me away to look at me, wondering what's going on. But I just couldn't stop. I was... heart broken.

I suddenly felt a sense of guilt cause I know soon I can't give her my full attention. I was also worried that I won't be able to love her whole-heartedly anymore. And that was enough to make me feel heart broken. I've been reliving my childhood through her. I felt compensated every time I see her smiling happily, enjoying the presence of the husband and I whenever we're spending time together. She helps me to fill up the empty part that's been missing in my heart all this while. She makes me feel whole.

So knowing that my love and attention for her might be divided soon makes me feel lost. And betrayed. Yes, I feel betrayed by myself. I fear that I might also disappoint her or leave her feeling lonely often at some point of time. I've always thought of having a sibling for her. But I've never ever imagine life as a mother of two. I could think of all the things I wanna do with Charlotte alone. But now with another one on the way, I keep questioning myself if I have the ability to handle both of them. If I could still love Charlotte like I swore to. And if I could still fill up the empty spaces.

I kept all this to myself for a good few days. I didn't utter a single word to anyone. Not even to my husband. Until the day before Valentine's Day. I decided that this could be his Valentine's Day present as I didn't have any budget for a Valentine's Day gift lolol.

So I went to get a small box and printed a little card using our home printer.

What's in the box. I tested twice because, erm, one stick is for rm5 and two sticks for rm7. I'm cheapo like that lol.

I handed him when he came back from work. And the rest is history.

With this second pregnancy, I have to confess that I'm not as excited as I was with my first pregnancy. I couldn't remember which week I'm in when people ask me about it. I have to check my phone's app to remind myself yet I don't check it every week like I used to. I do remember my monthly checkup date and EDD and I think that's sufficient enough haha.

I'm also not enthusiastic with getting any newborn stuffs but I guess this is forgivable as I've had most of the things ready. I already have a list of things listed down on my memo pad to remind myself to get them later during a baby fair.

Also, this time around, I am looking forward yet not looking forward to be a mother of 2. Does this make any sense?

I am looking forward for the little baby to be born but at the same time I am not looking forward to spending lesser time with Charlotte and have all the mother guilt kicking and punching me in the face. There're times when I'd woke up in the middle of the night sobbing uncontrollably and hysterically out of nowhere, fearing for the attention I couldn't spare for Charlotte.

We're both at the best place right now, now that she's a 2 year-old. She could sleep through the night, understands instructions well, building vocabulary and pampered with my undivided love and attention. I could walk leisurely in the mall with her holding my hand tight, not having to chase her around. I could also enjoy my time with her by sharing our meals, or just do some reading while she plays with her toys. The best part is, I could enjoy her love and affection she gives ever freely and willingly. We enjoy bedtime reading the most cause there's so much interaction for the both of us. We also love sleeping together. Even though she still latches for comfort, she doesn't latch to sleep anymore. I could just turn off the lights and she would roll to the other side of the bed. All I need to do is to sleep facing her and hold her hands and we would fall asleep together. Sometimes I'd fall asleep before her lolol but it doesn't matter cause she'd follow soon after.

But I know all this WILL change once the little one arrives, and to be honest, I'm not sure if I'm ready for that.

Can someone please tell me if I'm making any sense? And if it's normal for feeling this way? 😢😢😢