How I Truly Feel About My Second Pregnancy

So according to the app (280Days on  Google Play Store),  my second child will be due in 42 days.

I wouldn't want to say things like how time passes too quickly this and that cause the fact is, I've been neglecting to acknowledge this pregnancy for the longest time.

I mean, I know I'm pregnant. But unlike the first pregnancy, this time, I didn't check the app diligently, or at least weekly like how I used to, to check on this little baby's progress. I often failed to remember how many weeks I'm in my pregnancy and I honestly didn't spend enough time talking to him like how I used to when Charlotte was still in my womb. In short, I am less enthusiastic with this pregnancy. The only thing I remember monthly is my checkup date and my due date.

I don't have to wonder why I behave as such cause I know very well it's because of how I was brought up, hence the fear of losing attention. And now, the one thing that I constantly worry is how I can still give my all to Charlotte when this baby is born. I keep tearing every time I think about not being able to hold or hug Charlotte as long as both of us desire. I cry easily at night just because I feel sorry for Charlotte but I can't be specific why I feel sorry for her. I can't understand why and how others can be so excited and thrilled when they know that they're pregnant again.

But I guess, God will always have His way to comfort me. It happened roughly 3 weeks ago, when I first gingerly introduced the baby to Charlotte. One night, Charlotte was playing with me as usual. I felt some movements from within. So I lifted up my shirt and told her there's a baby inside. I anticipated as she looked at me for a good few seconds, then looked at my growing belly and said, "...baby. Baby out(in)side.". Then I asked if she wants to kiss the baby. She proceeded to lean forward and gave my belly a little kiss. My eyes went wet and emotions stirred, but my heart has finally found it's peaceful beating pace. Ever since then, whenever I lift my shirt up to look at the moving belly, she would come over to me and asks to touch and kiss it. Then cover my belly by pulling my shirt back down lol 😂 I'm not sure if she really understands what's going on and if she knows what's in store for her (I myself am not fully sure of what's in for me either), but this little action that she does almost daily helps to calm my little unsettling heart.

It's now hard to ignore this little growing bump, literally. I've been blessed with a rather smooth pregnancy for the first 2 trimester, only roughly 4 weeks of discomfort before I entered my second trimester. Now that I'm in my third trimester, I'm experiencing backache daily. Most nights I find it really hard to fall asleep so now I can't wait to get the baby out lololol. But I'm glad to say that my nesting instinct has finally kicked in (thankQ aaa TCE Baby Fair wtf). And we've also have a name for him. So I guess I'm now halfheartedly ready? Not whole-heartedly yet cause there're soooooo many things I wanna do in the next 3 to 4 weeks like pedicure, hair trimming, newborn's laundry washing wtf, catching up on moviessssssss and erm nesting lol.

I'm pretty sure I'm not the only one feeling insane about myself during this second pregnancy. Like how I used to say, I hope you read this and won't feel alone in this journey. If you're feeling what I'm feeling, embrace them, be it guilty, sadness or even happiness, and then breakthrough them.

(First and only bump-fie, taken on the 4th of August)

See you soon, baby boy.