Friday, May 20, 2016

Celebrate the first, but pay attention to the last.

(image from Fowl Language Comics)

That's me, literally, every time Charlotte achieves a new milestone lol.

She's almost walking now as she could now walk along our King size bed from one end to another and en route back by holding on to the side of it. I'm not sure if I'm ready for her to walk around freely without holding on to me cause I'm just  not ready to let her go (cue tears).

It's been amazing to see her grow everyday. Sometimes I really think that not being able to work as a full timer is a blessing in disguised. I witnessed her slowly sitting up straight without support, I saw her flipped from her back to her tummy for the first time, I remember her first clumsy crawl on all fours.

At the age of ONE, she can now clap her hands to her favorite song, points at something and babble undecodable (is the such word?) baby language, struggles and gets upset when we take her things away or stop her from doing something. Sometimes it's just too funny to watch but at the same time, we realized that she's becoming her own person with her own personality. She's not the baby that we can simply do whatever we want with her anymore (rub her cheeks without her pushing our hands away, plant kisses on her without her trying to turn her head away, take her things away without her screaming her lungs out, etc.).

A few days ago, I turned into this emotional bitch feeling so crap.

Something like this. Though not as cute as this puppy, close enough.

If Charlotte's gonna be an only child, means everything that she's doing and might not do anymore will be the last for me to experience. And that feeling just sucks SO. BIG. TIME.

Like, I won't have another baby to nurse again. Or my breastfeeding journey might end soon. Or I won't have another baby to cry for me and need me anymore when Charlotte is big enough and wants her personal space.

I fall into this big sad emotional swirl. I don't know why it's so hard for me.

Until one day, I came across this phrase,

Celebrate the first, and pay attention to the last.

And then it hit me. Instead of feeling sorry, I should pay attention to every little thing she's doing right now. I should appreciate every little thing that I can do for her before she's big enough to do it herself!

Like taking baths for her, or comb and tie her hair, or dress her up, or (force)feed her...

One day, I won't be doing them anymore. She won't need me to do them anymore. One day, at least it's not today.

It's hard, honestly, to not feel sad. DO ALL MOTHERS FEEL THE SAME!?

But I will try to feel proud and let "proud" over-power the sadness I sink myself into everyday.

So here's a, erm, proud video of Charlotte climbing up the boxes to get to the laptop on the table. I don't know how she learn that but I certainly never taught her so.


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