Thursday, May 26, 2016

Separation anxiety attacked!

Alert: Lengthy and emotional post ahead. Read at your own risk wtf.

A few weeks ago, my neighbor approached me and told me that her friend is starting up a daycare cum tuition center and asked if I'm keen to join. The catch is, I am allowed to bring Charlotte along.

I've always been open minded about job opportunities. So she passed my contact to her friend after seeking for my permission. Her friend, J, called me the next day and we set up a meeting to further discuss about the details.

The center was new. It has started running for about a week only and has 8 students so far. Since it's a start up, there is no specific job scope for me besides teaching as they would like me to help out as and when I'm needed. Working hours is from 8am to 6pm. While I'm teaching, Charlotte will be taken care by her maid, who's also gonna look after her 4 year old son.

While our discussion was on going, Charlotte was actually in another room with the maid. I could hear her laughing away while playing with the maid. So J said something along the line like, looks like Charlotte is coping well so you don't have to be worried.

After that, I went home and spent about a week to think about the offer.

I know it's a good opportunity but I'm not so sure about having to work 10 hours a day. Maybe I was spoil with the flexibility I have working as a private tutor. And the pay they offered was almost as same as what I'm earning now albeit not steady. If you would like to know, I work an average of 4 hours a day. Working as a private tutor can earn handsomely but there's no guarantee that I'll get the same payment every month. I think I shall leave this for another post on another day.

Also, if I were to start working there, it means that I'll have to start Charlotte's bedtime routine as soon as I reach home so that she could have enough sleep as she sleeps 10 hours straight at night. In another words, the husband might not be able to spend time with her.

So after considering all these, I turned the offer down. I was telling myself that it's OK to wait for a couple more years. I wanna watch Charlotte grow and accompany her as much as I can cause she needs me now! But my heart was struggling. We have bills to pay but only 4 digits left in our accounts.

Picture is not related but thought you might wanna take a break from reading wtf.

Then, another job offer came in. This time, it's a totally different field doing something I've never done before. And this might be the only chance I have to work in a big corporate company. The pay sounds promising, slightly higher than what J offered. Since I've never work in a corporate before, the perks and benefits that come along sound waaaaayyyy attractive to me.

But, I cannot bring Charlotte along with me.

I contemplated reeeeaaaaaalllly hard. I even cried for a few days before going for the interview hahaha. Cause I was told that if I say yes, it's a 100% chance. Not sure how true it is yet cause I've not sign the offer letter, but that statement itself is enough to make realize that I'm gonna be separated from Charlotte the whole day! We've never really been apart since she's 5 months old. Even before that, the most we've been away from each other was 4 hours max. We've been inseparable 24seven for one whole year. Soon, I fall into this swirl of great sadness. I was broken-hearted and cried like I was being dumped, but worse.

One day I broke down and cried again all of a sudden. Charlotte looked at me, not sure what's happening. She looked at me like a concerned child. I was trying very hard to hold myself together but I couldn't. Then, she reach out her little finger gingerly to touch my tears. It's as if she was wiping them away for me (though I think she just wanna touch it haha) and then I wept even harder fml.

Thoughts and questions ran wild in my head.

Who's gonna take care of her?
Will her new caretaker read her cues well?
How will Charlotte cope without the boobs?
Could the caretaker know how to take care of him and fix things like I did?
Will the caretaker feed her well?
Will the caretaker give up easily when she wails during meal time?
What if Charlotte slims down and loses her chubbiness that everybody loves?
Will the caretaker forget to give her water to drink?
Will the caretaker give her sugary food to eat?
Will the caretaker just leave her in front of the TV the whole day?
Will Charlotte be mad at me?
Will Charlotte not love me anymore!?!?!?
But I need this job cause we're now struggling to make ends meet, hoooooowwww!?

So I gave J a call back to ask if her offer still stands. If so, I would like to join her team. It's about time I get a permanent job or else I'll keep constantly falling back into the loop of sadness when money is running out. Though J's offer was a startup offer, at least I still get to see Charlotte at work.

I'm not sure if it's destiny or what, but J told me that her maid will be leaving and has confirmed that she won't be returning. And I need to perform at work. She's doubtful that I'll pay enough attention to my students if Charlotte's gonna stay with me.

I died, literally. I broke down again, thinking why must this happened to me.

Then it hit me, I have separation anxiety!

I know new parents will have separation anxiety but mine seems severe. I cried for days!

After calming down, I tried to figure out why. Why am I feeling so anxious towards this separation? Why is my attachment to my daughter so strong? Also, why am I so vulnerable after becoming a mother? I used to be tough!

And then I realized, it's because I'm reliving my childhood through Charlotte. I'm trying to give her what I didn't have (or have enough) growing up. So every time she laughs happily because of something I do for her, it feels fulfilling. Like I've filled up an empty space that's buried deep down somewhere.  It also feels like my younger self is getting back the attention and love she longed for. So leaving her is like leaving myself behind! I remember how lonely it was growing up and I do not want Charlotte to feel the same way. I was consumed by my own guilt just thinking about it!

People often don't understand why I cry so much when I talk about my childhood. My husband thinks he had it worse and that I'm way much luckier than him.

Everyone has a wound that scars differently. My scar may be small, but it wounded deep.

Now that I know where my problem lies, I'm gonna do something about it. I'm not sure what yet, but hopefully I'll get over this before starting my new job. Yupe, I went for the interview and am now waiting for the offer letter. It was the hardest Yes I've ever said.

Hopefully later, I'll be able to write about how I finally deal and settle this anxiety of mine.

As of now, I'm gonna glue myself to Charlotte and plant as many kisses as I can while I can.


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