I survived without my mobile phone

Today, I left my phone at home the whole day. 

It's not unusual haha. But as I rely on my phone quite a lot for work purpose, it does get quite uneasy throughout the day. 

But I survived! Just need to catch up with all the messages and emails that came in. Also survived free time by doing readings on my kindle. 

I remember when I was younger and bought myself my first phone (which was a Nokia 3330!), I was so attached to it. All the text messaging till late night, playing Snake, modifying keyboard lights, customizing ringtones. It wasn't as advanced as what we're having now but it was so much fun.

Even though it's an essential now to have a mobile phone, I find myself not as attach to it as I used to. To be more specific, my phone is on mute most of the time, if not all. I don't really like picking up calls and I wouldn't reply messages immediately. However, I still find joy in getting entertained (read: social medias and Netflix lol).

ANYWAY!

I survived without the phone today. Small wins in life hehe.

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What's comin' will come (bye bye money)

I've been putting this aside for far too long. But today, Charlotte, engrossed to the screen in front of her, has forgotten all the nagging and reminder to not step on that specific area, sat on it.

"Craaaacccckkkkkkk~"

I stared at her while she looked back at me blindly. Then slowly turn her head and shifted her sight back to the somewhat broken TV screen.

No point nagging or scolding anymore. Called the tile contractor and hopefully can get him start working on it next week.

Bye bye money. Bye bye my beautiful epoxy flooring. I will miss you dearly. Unless the decision to fix tiles instead of doing another layer of epoxy is the right one. Other wise, so long.

My current 自欺欺人 view. Cracked floor is underneath the mat. 

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Outsider

I feel like I don't matter to people who matter a lot to me.

It wasn't the first time I wasn't invited to a family dinner. It wasn't the first time my family and I were excluded in a joyous celebration. Yet it hurts so bad. Like, so so bad.

I can never get used to it. I mean, how can one ever get used to being... abandoned?

One might say that, oh, it's a fine dining place and there's no suitable food for kids. 

But if they truly care about me, about us, they make an effort, not an excuse.

I've been trying so so hard to find a reasonable explanation but I couldn't. And the more I try, the more heartache I feel. Why am I the one trying to justify the things the did?

They say that kids with grandparents are blessed. I was blessed. I remember vividly how my grandparents loved and spoiled me. Unfortunately, my kids do not have that luxury. Whenever I go home, the only one who's mostly home all the time can be found glued to the TV. The others? Sigh. No one anticipates us. Really. Typing this makes me realized how pathetic it is. I am trying to fight back but my tears just keeps rolling down uncontrollably. And my heart feels like it was stabbed a thousand times. 

But no one understands. No one. 

The disappointment. The anger. The wave of overwhelming negative and toxic emotions. 

But I'm a fighter. I'm a capable and independent individual. 

I acknowledge that I'm sad and hurt. I cry, and then move on while the wound is still open and bleeding. 

It's ok. I will be ok. 

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Little Joys during MCO

It's been 57 days since Malaysia began the implementation the movement control orders. Not exactly sure if I'm an optimist, but I am glad that I manage to find joy in little things. As the saying goes, "It’s the little things that make happy moments".

Here are some of the things that I've been really happy about:

1. Netflix

I subscribed to the cheapest mobile plan, which is only RM17 per month. And I'm so happy with this decision. As a tiger mum who doesn't allow her own kids to have too much screen time, I find my own escapism in watching that little screen. Oh the irony! Well, I don't chill all day and I only watch it while cooking cause I deserve that little break. Multitasking is my other forte if you haven't notice yet. 

2. Free concerts online

From The Phantom of the Opera to the One World: Together At Home concert, to Aaron Kwok's online charity concert, I enjoyed it all! The best part is I can rewatch them over and over again! 

3. Mastering how to bake a chiffon cake

Lemon Yogurt Chiffon Cake

The key to successfully bake a nice chiffon cake is in the meringue. The egg whites must be beaten to the right consistency in order to have a beautiful and fluffy chiffon cake. And ever since I've mastered the key to bake it, it has been my stress reliever. The whole process is just therapeutic. Greater joy comes later when the consumers compliment it. 

4. Weekly grocery run

While I'm now comfortable staying at home most of the time, I get extremely excited every Friday evening knowing that I can leave the house the next morning for my weekly grocery run. Just like how we used to look forward to the weekend. That short hour or 2 getting away from the kids out of the house feels really good.

5. House cleaning

Norwex Consultant Starter Pack

Some of you might have noticed that I've got myself the Norwex cloths. It has made cleaning a breeze for me. With just the cloth and water, I've been cleaning the house more frequently now as I don't suffer from dry skin anymore. And it's more comfortable to stay in a clean environment. You can get it from https://specialoffer.norwex.my/ or feel free to ask me if you're not sure which cloth to get for your cleaning need.

6. Food delivery

Nasi lemak and chicken stew sets from Naomi's Kitchen

Having to prepare 3 meals a day has become so mundane that I get extremely happy when there's food delivery! It costs more than cooking myself but I take it as buying time and saving (my own) energy. I would recommend food from JoshiJosh and Naomi's Kitchen if you need to take a little break from the kitchen.

What about you? What are some of the little joys you find during MCO?

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Charlotte turns 5

Today, dear Charlotte, you turn 5.

You are a girl with persistent. Especially with your whys. 

Why is today my birthday?

Why does everyone have a birthday?

Why do you love me?

Why can't I eat junk food?

Why am I not 33 years old yet?

Why am I growing up so slowly?

You wouldn't stop asking until you get an answer.

You started to question about life and death. I dunno where is this coming from but I am seriously considering taking down the tv. Every evening, and it's only in the evening, you will start saying things like, 

"I don't want you to be old. I don't want you and daddy to be old."

"After we're 1000 years old, then we become a baby again?"

"I don't want to go to Jesus' house. I like our house. I want to stay in THIS house!"

You are kiasu when it comes to showing affection. When you see Emmett comes for a hug, you will rush over and hug me tight, "I want to hug! I want to hug like Emmett!" 

Not complaining about this, though.

You're getting more picky when it comes to food but you will try your best to finish all the food, albeit slow. Sometimes have to threaten a little. However, you're forever a big fan of all the dessert I make. And Grab food 😒

You still love to eat spicy food and your tolerance for spiciness has increased. I'm not sure if it's something good, though.

You have really really really good memory. You can memorize all the bible memory verses taught in Sunday School even though we didn't revise much. When prompted, you can easily cite them while I struggle to remember if it's verse 16 or 60. You are good in recognizing words and you're also good in Math, too, as long as you are focused. When you're not, it drives me crazy because I know you can do better.

You still have a love-hate relationship with your brother, Emmett. Mostly love. Just yesterday, when I was trying to get Emmett to stand on the weighting machine but he refused, you came over and said, "Go Emmett. It's ok. Go stand there and then I'll give you a special hug. You want special hug or not?" 

You're so so loved by everyone. Your kaima and jiu jius sponsored your birthday present this year. Your mother stayed up late to bake you a cake and your father built the toy kitchen until 6am in the morning. It took us so long because we were trying so hard to keep it as a surprise but you were still not asleep at 2am. 

As always, my baby girl, I wish you enough.

I love you. Happie 5th Birthday, Charlotte. 

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Potty Training - Emmett's edition

How have you been?

I'm not sure how many days it has been but it's getting easier now to stay at home. I have to admit, it was hard at first. Especially for me. Before MCO, whenever I feel tired and lazy to cook, I will just bring them to the mall to get their dinner fixed. It's expensive but I take it as buying time and energy.

The kids have been taking it really well, though. They just play the whole day. I would stop Charlotte and get her to do some work or reading but then I will need to get back to work with minimal distraction, so I resorted to TV nanny. I think they've way exceeded their screen time quota I set for them throughout their childhood. Oh well.

Emmett, on the other hand, is highly neglected. He just plays the whole day. Playing is good, right? Children need to play all the time. That's what the experts say.

Anyway, I started on potty training Emmett since day 2 of MCO. I mean, it's the right time to start since we are supposed to be home all the time.

Charlotte accompanying Emmett 🤷

I'm proud to say that he's 90% potty trained. 90% because this fella, just like his sister, DOESN'T WANT TO POO POO IN THE POTTY!

Why? How come!? どうして!? Dim gaiii!?!?

It was still considered easy for Charlotte because she wouldn't poop in her pantie. But she wouldn't sit on the toilet bowl to poop as well. She would wail and cry and tahan until I give in and put on a diaper for her. The point is, she can tahan until the diaper was on. So one day I decided to go hard on her and lock myself in the room. She gave in and pooped in the toilet. And since then she was diaper free. I blogged about it Here.

But Emmett. Oh my Emmett. He can now tell when he wants to shh shh and all but he just wouldn't let me know when he wants to poop! He successfully pooped in the toilet only because (1) he just finished showering and he hasn't put on his underwear and (2) he was only on the potty and the poop just came out with the pee.

Sorry tmi.

But other wise, he would just poop in his underwear and only inform after!

I've been drilling him all day everyday and he knows all the answers to it. The following is what's on the loop every 10 minutes.

"Emmett, do you want to poo poo?" (Usually it's a "No")
"Emmett, if you wan to poo poo, what must you do?" (Tell mummy)
"Can you poo poo in your underwear or not?" (No)

Sometimes when I'm too carried away with work, Charlotte will do the drilling.

"Emmett, if you want to poo poo you tell mummy ok? Tell jie jie also can."

And this morning, while changing him out of his pajamas, the sei sui zai went,

"Can poo poo in the underwear or not? Nooooooo~"
"Poo poo in the toilet ok? Emmett tell mummy, ok?"
"Emmett sing song and poo poo in the toilet, ok? Yaaaayyy!"

Yay your head la, yay.

But on the bright side, we're only using 1 diaper a day now, when he goes to sleep at night. Most of the time he wakes up with a dry diaper. I can always tell when he peed in the diaper cause he would refuse me to change him out of his pajamas.

Also, I'm glad I didn't give this training potty away. It was given to me by Suet Yin.

Charlotte preferred the big one. But for Emmett, I think he started to feel stressful after 4 days of potty training, on the 5th day, he started to refuse going to the toilet. So I took this out and he happily accepted it. I guess this goes to proof (again) that all children are different. It's an age old theory. What works for one might not work for another.

I look forward to the day I can happily announce that Emmett is 100% diaper free.

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Peace in the midst of a pandemic

I've lost count of the latest number of identified Covid-19 patients in Malaysia. But from the news, it seems that the confirmed ones are surrounding the place I stay and often go to. It also seems that the number will potentially multiply in the upcoming days as a few of the confirmed cases had been moving around in crowded places prior to being diagnosed. 

Naturally (and unfortunately), I panic. I bought extra canned food, dried food, detergents and toiletries when I visited the supermarket. I would lug face masks for my husband, too, but I couldn't get hold of any since 2 months ago. I also stored up oil and snacks, you know, just in case.

I wouldn't say that I went into panic-buying because the goods bought could last us maximum 2 weeks. But I did bought a little bit more than usual.

**

A parent has come in contact with a confirmed Covid-19 patient. The parent has responsibly took the initiative to inform the school immediately and quarantine at home with the whole family. The student in question was identified by MOH as the secondary contact. A memo was sent out to parents immediately by end of the day. 

However, it was somehow leaked to the press and the news broke in Chinapress the next day. Soon, parents kept calling the school to demand an explanation even though nothing was taken out of context from the memo. And out of desperation, some parents chose not to send the children to school until the family in question produce a medical report stating that they are free from the virus even though the school assured that they're been carrying out sanitizing job at least 2 to 3 times diligently on a daily basis since coming back from Chinese New Year. 

The family has come to an end of their 14 days quarantine and they're still in good spirits. 

** 

In the midst of this global pandemic, we need peace and assurance to carry on with life. However, even if I purchase all the groceries I could get, will I not be anxious and restless? If we keep our children away from schools, gatherings and all other crowded places, will we find peace in our hearts as we are confined at home?

And then I question myself - Why do I let chaos influence me? 

An inner voice shouted back at me that all these earthly materials are only temporary. However, eternal peace can be found in our Lord Jesus Christ.

Again and again, the bible reminded us that if we ask God, He promises us His peace.

1 Peter 5:7 - Give all your worries and cares to God, for he cares about you.

Psalm 29:11 - The LORD gives his people strength. The LORD blesses them with peace.

Isaiah 26:3 - You will keep in perfect peace all who trust in you, all whose thoughts are fixed on you!

John 16:33 - I have told you all this so that you may have peace in me. Here on earth you will have many trials and sorrows. But take heart, because I have overcome the world

May this be a reminder to myself and everyone who reads this that in this climate of uncertainty and fear, only in Him will we find eternal peace.

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Feminism

Charlotte enjoying herself on a fire truck when we visited a fire station 2 years ago.

I've never really associated myself as a feminist until I find myself starting to correct Charlotte every time she makes a sexist statement.

"My teacher said blue is for boy. Girls cannot like blue. Girls like pink and purple."
"No, Charlotte. I like blue. Sometimes, daddy wears pink, too."

"Only girls can cook. Boys cannot cook. My friend said one."
"Look at Masterchef! Gordan Ramsay is a man and he can cook really well."

"Why that gorgor has long hair? Boys cannot have long hair."
"Well, Aquaman has long hair."

"Boys like cars and motorbikes. I like cars but I'm not a boy. So I cannot like cars."
"I'm not a boy, too, but I looooovve cars."

"Teacher said boys cannot do things nicely. Only girls can."
"If you guide them, they can do it nicely, too."

"Emmett cannot play with my baby (a soft toy) because he is not a girl."
"Well, I think it's ok. I mean, daddy takes care of you and Emmett when mummy is not around, doesn't he?"

The more I address to statements like these, the more furious I become. It dawned on me how much people consciously or subconsciously genderlize everything! From colours to toys, outfit, hairstyle, the book they read, the things they do and the food they eat!

And then I realized, I am a feminist myself. I find myself constantly fighting for equal rights, especially when I know that I am capable of doing so much more than what other defines that I cannot.

I remember comforting Charlotte and tell her that it's ok if she doesn't like ballet. Hiking sounds fun. It's ok if she doens't like to wear dresses in pink. I, too, prefer wearing long pants cause it gives me more mobility freedom.

I hope I could talk to the school one day on these comments that was picked up in school. However, I understand that parents play a bigger role. So I pledge to raise my children differently so that they believe they have the opportunity to succeed in school, college and career, regardless of how they look, where they start or where they live.

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Before I knew it

It just dawned on me that I'm already in another stage of parenthood.

My kids are now sleeping through the night.

I can do my cooking in the kitchen while watching Netflix, knowing that the both of them will be occupied in the living room with each other or with their own toys.

My daughter now comes to me to ask about Math instead of how to open her water bottle.

My son is so expressive now that he sings his answer when being questioned.
Me: Emmett! Where is your water bottle?
Emmett: I don't know no no no no no no (in "Baby Shark" tune)

They can both eat their own dinner without much supervision/ feeding.

They come to me and ask to refill their water bottle when it's empty.

They can both now help to do simple chores like folding the laundry or keeping their toys. Just yesterday, Charlotte helped in changing the bed sheets by taking out and putting on a new pillow case. Emmett tried by asking the sister to help.

I can now stand at the bathroom door while waiting for them to take off their own uniforms to take a shower.

I can now stare into the abyss and wonder who's that staring back at me.

Before I knew it, I'm getting back my freedom, bit by bit.
Before I knew it, they'll be running their own world. Without me.

It's strange but I have to admit, I'm missing their littleness and their helplessness. I thought I wouldn't. At the same time, I'm thankful for the new found... freedom? Oh, and that 7 to 8 hours of uninterrupted sleep.

Ah, the conflict of my little heart!

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我最最最最欣赏的本地作家- Echo 许慧珊

小时候年轻时的某一天，在书局闲逛的时候，机缘巧合下翻开一本名为《单身俱乐部》的书。才刚上中学，毛还没长齐的我，翻着翻着就爱不释手了，索性买了回家慢慢啃。

结果就这样中毒了。这作者之后出版的《无聊才结婚》、《快乐小女人》、《爱情贩卖机》，我都统统买了。

我喜欢她幽默的写作手法。喜欢看她写的阿乐阿敬阿明阿海阿德。喜欢看写实的真人故事。遇到好笑的东西会笑到肚痛飙泪，然后再回读两三遍。

当她出版《告别单身》时，老实说，还蛮震惊的，因为毫无心理准备。这个高喊单身快乐的女人要结婚了！那我以后的日子要怎么办啊？我还没出社会工作嘢！

后来，《最美好的时光》、《左雍右为》、《女人与小孩》我都没有错过，并偷偷地以它们为鉴，成为我以后的育儿蓝本。虽然后来因为经济考量而无法为孩子们的前三年成为全职妈妈而难过了一阵子。后来的后来，有幸在面子书上加为好友，让我内心翻腾欣喜若狂了好一阵子。到最后的《街头eC9俏小孩》及《从C9到暴民》，总是能找到许多共鸣之处。

上个星期，我单身匹马南下上林文才老师的《原生家庭》课。报名的原因也是因为她大力推荐，并常在面书提到这课程能怎样帮助个人了解自己。果然，非常值得的一堂课。很庆幸很庆幸自己报名了。

我想，老天想好好奖励我，所以让我遇见了我小时候的偶像最最最最欣赏的本地作家 - Echo 许慧珊。

啊，我还记得那时在课室了一个转身不小心看到她时那小鹿乱撞的感觉，在心里练习该怎样打招呼。后来趁空挡时，鼓起了勇气上前自我介绍。启程回吉隆坡前，还一起自拍了。

看来，我的2020毫无遗憾了😆。

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